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 Questions About Life and God

Music Artist Lacey Sturm  (6:21)

Once suicidal, she finally found healing and love…

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Video transcript:

My mom always told me about God. I think I had an idea that God was big and good, but as time went on and I saw more and more tragic things happen around me, I think that was the beginning of me just questioning everything about life and about God.

When I was 10 years old, my stepdad came to pick me up and he said that my cousin Kelly was dead. I remember being so mad and really just deciding that if God was big and good why wouldn't he protect my cousin? He was so tiny and so awesome such a funny brilliant little guy. Why wouldn't God protect him from a huge muscle guy like his stepdad? He'll beat him to death.

I remember thinking that same year that my cousin died about the depth of the evil in the world. I never wanted to have kids. It was just a new person to suffer. That was the year I started to cry myself to sleep every night, and stopped believing in God.

I couldn't get away from my own depression, so I started studying other religions. There was a lot of nice ideas, but there wasn't any tangible healing. And I remember thinking, I'm tired of the pain in my heart, I'm tired of going to bed that way, I'm tired of feeling like a burden, just tired of not knowing why I'm alive.

And so I remember the night I laid in bed and I knew I was going to commit suicide the next day. I knew that I was not going to live past tomorrow.

On the day that I planned to commit suicide, I came home from school and my grandma was there. And she wasn't supposed to be there. And she looked at me and said, there's something wrong with you, you're gonna go to church. I was like, no way I'm going to church. And she screamed at the top of her lungs. We were fighting back and forth, and I just didn't want to listen to her yell anymore. So I decided, fine, I'll go, and then afterwards I'll go ahead and follow through with my plan.

So I went to the back of the church and slumped down to my chair and hated everybody in the room, and the pastor started speaking. I hated him more than anyone. And he says, there's a suicidal spirit in the room, and of course all hair stood up on the back of my neck and I thought, this is really weird. And I got up and went to the door, and a white-headed man was standing there and he stopped me. And he said the Lord wants me to speak to you. He wants you to know that even though you've never known an earthly father, that God will be a better father to you than any earthly father could ever be. God knows the pain in your heart. He's seen you cry yourself to sleep at night.

The idea was so overwhelming to me. He's like, do you want me to pray for you so that Jesus can take the pain out of your heart? He put his hand on my shoulder and started to pray. It was as if the God of the universe showed up right in front of me. And the first thing I noticed was that God was holy and good. And the second thing I noticed was that I was so not holy and not good.

If God had looked at me and said go away forever, he would have been right. It would have been justice. The same time I felt that, I felt him inviting me to an embrace of grace and love unconditional. It was like God was saying I love you, I know you're tired of the way you've been living, and I will make you new if you'll let me. My heart just said yes, I need that, I want that. Please. And that's why when I woke up the next day, I just felt such a peace, and a joy almost, that I'd never felt before.

Jesus saved my life. And on top of everything else, the life of my son and the new baby that wouldn't be if Jesus hadn't intervened and rescued me.

The most overwhelming thing is to think that Jesus became sin, and it was my sin. And it was things that I've done to house them on the cross. It was things that I've done. He hung naked on a cross bleeding in a shameful way, so that I would never have to be ashamed for the things that I've done. The truth is, the truth is, there is no other way besides Christ and what he did. There is no life outside of that.

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